From the Archives: Falling Away (2010) | Pilisa S. Hamrick

things arent going the way i planned them out to be.
you told me to follow you.. you said you loved me.
i didnt know what love was. i had never really felt it before.
i didnt really feel cared about anymore.
i felt dead.. and numb inside.
then you spoke to me, and said you would make it alright.
so, i listened. what could i lose?
but now, God, I’m kind of confused.
everything was great.. for a while.
i actually even began to smile.
because my life finally had purpose, and i knew where to go.
and i figured i’d be happier as my spirit would grow.
But God, I’m getting closer. and now I’m not sure.
right now im finding it harder and harder to stay pure.
getting closer to you, means breaking apart from the earth.
and I don’t really know if that has any worth.
i thought all of this would make me happy, and content.
but maybe that’s not why Jesus was sent?
because today I’m not feeling happy or alright.
and God, your love seems just out of sight.
my past is returning, and it’s crowding around me.
If this is Christianity, is that really what I want to be?
I thought it would bring me peace and stability,
but all I’ve got is a constant battle for my identity.
I’m being mocked, cursed at, people are leaving me.
And it’s all because I chose to live for this deity?
And I’m trying to find worth through this giant cloud of uncertainty.
but God, everything is tempting me.
But I think I realize now that living for you isn’t about stability.
you’ve taught me through all of this that it’s not about certainty.
And God even though I can’t see the end of this cloud of dirty air,
could you guide me through it, until I get there?
I’m really struggling, a lot has happened today.
But you’ve showed me recently that you’re the only way.
being a Christ follower means living on a battlefield.
and I’m armed, with my sword and my shield.
But I don’t think I’m ready, God I’m still weak.
So please guide my arm for as long as I need.
Because all of these things I’m going through
just remind me that I can do nothing without you.